Plan A was this: We worked out a babysitter last Wednesday night so I could go to praise and worship practice-the first time in nearly 4 months. You can’t sing on Sunday unless you are at practice on Wednesday before. Practice went very well and I was really looking forward to Sunday. Thursday we got a hold of my in-laws who go to our church and set it up that they would watch the kids during worship time so I could sing. Papa would hold the two year old since she worships the ground he walks on! LOL And, Grandma would hold the baby and have a “back up bottle” in case he got hungry.
But, unfortunately, plan B unfolded Sunday morning…we woke up an hour late and I woke up with the sore throat and stuffy nose everyone else in the house had been dealing with all week as well as seriously bloodshot eyes from something I’m allergic to. So without make-up and no time to do my hair, I got everyone else packed and ready. When we got to church, the person who normally works the computer that puts our lyrics up on the big screen notified my husband, who is the worship leader, that she couldn’t do it because she was part of the special service presentation that day. (sigh) Then, the two year old was screaming with the energy of a typical toddler that she wanted no one but me to hold her. Then, the baby started crying but wouldn’t take the bottle I’d prepared. He only wanted to nurse. Then, my husband couldn’t find anyone else to work the computer so guess what happened? I had to work the computer with a squirming toddler on my lap listening to my baby fussing all through worship. (sigh)
Eventually, I was rescued from my toddler by her grandmother who had passed the baby along to someone else but I still found myself in the midst of a self-pity party…I can’t eat what I want. I can’t drink what I want to drink. (I’m nursing.) I can’t do what I want to do. I can’t go where I want to go. I can’t sleep when I’m tired. I can’t eat when I’m hungry. I can’t use the bathroom alone. I couldn’t go to the women’s retreat. I can’t do the married couples small group. I can barely get to my small group. I can’t teach Sunday school. I can’t sing. I can’t go to the women’s ministry meetings. All this work and gatherings going on at church and I’m getting left behind and left out.
I can’t seem to read my Bible each day, can’t find 10 minutes peace to pray. Despite 4 days of planning, I can’t sing on the team. Why didn’t my husband work harder to find someone to do this? Why am I working the computer when a woman who DIDN’T come to practice and can work the computer herself is up there singing? Oh, yea – she’s one of our pastors. Why do I bother going to church when I spend all my time with the kids either in the toddler room or in the nursery? Wah, wah, wah, wah.
It was so hard to enter in and get in the spirit of worship. I just felt like pouting – kinda like my toddler, oddly enough. LOL I’m embarrassed by how I reacted – the flesh got the better of me. I completely forgot to remain in what was the will of God and the spirit of worship – to thank Him for those things He’s provided and praise Him for the things to come!
Then, to prove even more how much I had stumbled, my pastor preached on the very thing I had wrote about in here the other day – what must the sheer joy must have been of those singing Hosanna as Christ entered Jerusalem. And, again, I feel ungrateful for the blessings and miracles of my children as I complained about spend “more” time with them “again”.
I’m anxious and fearful in anticipation to move forward in to my next step in Christ but seem to be held back by these other things – including my own attitude. Maybe I’m not as ready as I think. Maybe it’s not time – it should be in His time, not mine. I keep thinking of that verse in Matthew: “His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.’”
I can not enter into the joy of the Lord if I can’t be faithful over the “few” important things He has already given me – a faithful Christian husband, two beautiful children, and family I have around me. While I am supposed to desire to grow in Christ, the growth seems to happen in jumps and starts, slowly for a while and then a breakthrough occurs. I’m sure as I’m sure in my faith in Christ that my breakthrough is coming but, as I learned from reading “To Busy Not To Pray” by Bill Hybels in the chapter about unanswered prayer, delays are not denials
Another thing Hybels says that Ilike:
If the request is wrong – God say “no”
If the timing is wrong – God says “slow”
If you are wrong – God says “grow”
BUT if the request, timing, and you are right – God says “go”!
What I noticed? Three out of four times, we don’t get what we pray for! LOL So, I will spend some time thinking and praying. Hopefully, God will send strength for me to get through this period and then will shed some light on what comes next, in His time.
Praise God always!