Infertility stinks. It's like your body is betraying you - losing its "natural" function. Well-meaning people are inadvertently cruel. "Why haven't you had children yet?" What a thing to say to someone who is part of a couple whose nearly every waking moment is about temperature taking; cycle monitoring; invasive procedures; often prohibitively expensive, uncovered medications; in some cases multiple miscarriages; repetitive disappointments witnessed in ANOTHER negative EPT and daily reminders of feeling like a failure. And, it was a tough way to spend my newlywed years...a time normally spent getting to know each other not being tested by fire and stress.
When I met DaHubby, I was 32. I had recently re-committed to going to church. And, I had been trying to find and follow God's will and had been waiting and waiting and waiting for the right guy. Once he came along, I figured all would be blessed - because isn't that always what it was like in God's will, I naively believed at the time. How little I really knew.
Four years later, I was broken. My spirit was beaten up. My hope nearly gone. My faith shaken to the core. We had been married three years. Spent the first year being "not careful" assuming nature would take its course. Spent the next two coping with the realization and repercussions of the fact that something was actually wrong. DaHubby even had his share of invasive and/or embarrassing procedures and moments.
Then, it was early spring 2005 and we had been trying for 22 unsuccessful cycles. I had had an awful miscarriage (are there any other kind) 8 months before. The church we were attending at the time had intercessory prayer on a weeknight and my most vivid memory of it was falling to my knees, weeping, and repeating over and over and over "Your will be done, Your will be done, Your will be done..."
One day we heard on the radio that Allen Asbury was going to make a local appearance. Now, we are in an out-of-the-way part of Michigan. It's nearly an hour to any kind of "civilization" i.e. concert venues, big name stores, etc. To have someone like this locally, playing at our high school auditorium...for FREE...is unheard of!
At that time, his hit "Somebody's Praying Me Through" was all over the radio. And, when he sang it at the concert that night, I fell to pieces. That song, along with "I Will Wait Upon The Lord" just broke me down into a puddle at His feet. It renewed me, gave me hope to hang in there a little longer. I was *sure* that baby was coming. So, I just had to be ready and willing to receive in His timing.
But, the lyrics of "Somebody's Praying Me Through" continued to hold me up through many, many hard nights, more disappointments, more procedures, more medications until finally that summer, I found myself pregnant with Flicka.
On Friday, the Vikings and I were on our way home from our morning running around. And, that song came on the radio. And, like it did the first time, it stripped away all the "stuff" of the week (the whining, the crying, the struggles, the diapers, the injuries, the bickering, etc.) and reminded me what life was like without the Vikings and how desperately I had wanted these little miracles just a short few years ago.
"Did you know this is your song? This is the song that Mom and Dad used to sing over and over and over when we were waiting for God to send you to us."
She was quiet and listened to the rest of the song. She asked me to explain again about the song and seemed to think about it. Then, last night, she asked to hear it again...knowing I had a copy here at the house.
So, I put the CD in. And, we danced. And, when I couldn't stand looking into her sweet little face at arm's length any longer, I picked her up and I held her so tightly as we danced and I sang it to her again. Then, Pojke wanted in on the action. LOL So, I sat on the floor, held my babies tightly, cried, and sang it one more time. Just for them. DaHubby found us in a pile on the kitchen floor. He helped all of us up - and my sweet hubby and I put those sweet blessings to bed.
So when you're drowning in a sea of hurt
And it feels like life couldn't get any worse
There's a blessing waiting to push back the curse
'Cause somebody's praying you through