Tuesday, March 10, 2009

March 8th

I'm kinda glad that day came between my birthday last Friday and Flicka's on Monday. With all that's been going on - including Flicka's party on Saturday - it's been easy to "forget" the passing of March 8th.

I am thankful for my life - don't get me wrong. I am very, very, VERY aware of how precious life is. Miscarriages: our two little angels in 2002 and 2008. Cancer: losing my brother-in-law, Pojke's namesake, in 2005 and by a miracle of God's hand still having my sister-in-law here after a brutal battle with a rare leukemia last year. Accidents: losing friends in 1988 and 1996 and nearly losing one my of little sisters in 2007. And, my little Viking miracles themselves.

But, I knew my heart would be breaking a bit on Sunday.

I was due with Böna on Sunday...and given my labor history, I would still be carrying that lil' one right now just about to pop.

And, I have been trying to be at peace as I've watch several bloggy, Twitter, and Facebook friends "enjoying" the challenges of second and third trimesters. But, it's been hard.

I *know* that I'm now 41. I know that I've been considered "advance maternal age" for nearly all my pregnancies. And, I know how entirely exhausted DaHubby and I are from raising the Vikings while DaHubby works while attending school full time. I know that eventually we may be moving extensively due to DaHubby's new upcoming career. I know that with DaHubby's work hours being cut recently that we're often *just barely* making it these last few months. I DO NOT miss those sleepless nights, the soreness from nursing, or the diapers that we are nearly free of except for Pojke's overnights.

I know all that - but I just don't feel "done" yet.

Yet, I can't barely hold an infant at this point. And, I'm afraid of what will happen if I hold one too long. Will I desperately want another? CAN I have another? Will I finally know I'm done and begin to mourn that relatively small part of my life?

After working and praying and scraping and climbing out of situation after situation to just GET pregnant, it is very, very hard to do something permanent on the conception front. I've learned to lean on God in ways I never, ever, EVER anticipated to get pregnant and in being a parent so why couldn't I trust Him with this?

I still have incredibly mixed feelings every month as cycle day 12-16 roll around as well as those edgy, anticipatory days before my monthly guest arrives.

All I know is that He knows what is best. And, that I need to trust Him with everything and all will be fine. So, why am I having such a hard time with this?

I feel like the Vikings when I'm trying to get them out the door to load them up in the van and they insist that they're coming but they have to bring this and this and this with them. It feels like God's trying to edge me forward but I'm insisting on brings this and this and this with me as I walk towards Him. But, I'm so loaded down and my hands are so full that I'm not able to receive what He has for me.

My MOMS Club is having a garage sale in May which will be limited to baby and mom stuff only. So, Lord, I need an answer...do I clear the basement of all the baby stuff in storage even though just typing those words is making my eyes fill with tears? And, Lord, keep our little angels close to you. Whisper to them that we love them and miss them and that we'll see them soon.


"Give me revelation...Show me what to do...
'Cause I've been trying to find my way...I haven't got a clue...
Tell me should I stay here...or do I need to move...
Give me revelation...I've got nothing without You!"

-Third Day, "Revelation"


Christina said...

I know part of how you feel and my heart breaks for you.

I am wondering if this will be our last...and if I'm okay with that. It's a very hard decision and one that is not entirely in our hands, as we both know.

All I can say is that I will be praying for you and thinking of you during this emotional time.


sara said...

Mourning with you. I wish your little bean were in your arms.

I'l be praying for God's peace for you.

baylormum said...

You know, just as I was feeling like I was getting to know you, I find something new. I can't feel your pain. I didn't go thru anything like what you have experienced. But, I was reminded again tonight at a meeting what it means to just be grateful for what I have and where I am right now.
Being a recovering addict, we live "just for today". I think God wants us to live that way, too. We do just have today. Only God knows what the plan is. That's hard sometimes, because addicts want control, we want to be in charge.
I got teary-eyed at the end, because the words to "Revelation" ring in my ears right now. I think of how little I know about my life plan & how much I want to know now! "show me what to do".
God puts people in our lives to listen (or read) some of our pains, some of our difficulties, and some of our joys. Right now? He has put some really neat women in my life. Through these streaming concerts. It is amazing to me & I am grateful for the wonderful women I've met-including you. Thanks for sharing. I will keep you in my prayers. That you will hear your answer & be ok with it, no matter what.

Jennifer said...

This one is so hard. Although I have never miscarried my sister did 3 years ago at 20 weeks. I was surprised at how hard it was for me. As odd as that sounds she handled it better than me. Maybe it was because she is older than me and it was her first and I knew the joy she was missing out on. I don't know but I remember thinking to God that it just didn't seem fair to me. She has a little girl now the one I watch 2 days a week. But she is 41 now and doesn't know if they will try to have another because of the emotional roller coaster to conceive.
I can tell you that even after four kids I still have the desire in my heart to have another but agreed with my husband's wishes that 4 is enough. My heart is sad some days knowing that I am running out of time to have another and knowing that because of our choice we can't have more.
I pray that you will hear from God what is right for you and your family.

Tara said...

Aw. I'm so sorry for the loss of your little bitty. My due date from my miscarriage was March 3. They would have been six. Yes, they. Twins. Thirteen weeks.

It gets easier.

Jamie said...

Oh Beth, my heart aches for you.

I hope you get the answer you're looking for.