Monday, January 8, 2007

Disappointed

My dad is like so many others - quiet but a presence. Could send a look that would knock ya on your butt from across the room if you were misbehaving. LOL And, nothing hurt worse than having him not yell but say "I'm so disappointed." What if our Heavenly Father said that to us? I got a glimpse of it this weekend...and I'm still reeling.

This weekend was insane...Viking #2's party on Saturday with my IL's, some church family, and my mom and step-dad. On Sunday, my dad and step-mom were expected for dinner, a visit, and a some delayed Cmas present opening.

But, Sunday morning was church. Da Hubby was on the piano for praise and worship while his partner led the singing. I was singing with about 4 others behind them. We started out with 2 foot-stompers that got everyone REALLY worked up- "Victory Chant" and "I Went To The Enemy's Camp..."! LOL Then, we transitioned into a slower song and then with our fourth song - the Spirit absolutely broke loose!

I found myself crying during song #3 for no "apparent" reason but that fourth song absolutely undid me...

Holiness, Holiness is what I long for
Holiness is what I need
Holiness, Holiness is what you want from me

Take my heart and form it
Take my mind, transform it
Take my will, conform it


As we finished this verse, the worship leader opened up the altar for prayer...

Faithfulness Faithfulness is what I long for
Faithfulness is what I need

Faithfulness, Faithfulness is what you want from me

Take my heart and form it
Take my mind, transform it
Take my will, conform it

After this verse, my eyes were drawn to the floor in front of the altar where the main aisle meets up with the front area. I could "see" myself laying down on my face praying and sobbing. Now, it wouldn't be unusual at this church for this to happen but I'm new to this tradition, a little self-conscious still, and just couldn't seem to bring myself to walk off the platform in the middle of a song and lay down in front of the whole congregation. I couldn't (or wouldn't) submit to the urge.

Brokenness Brokenness is what I long for
Brokenness is what I need
Brokenness, Brokenness is what you want from me

Take my heart and form it
Take my mind, transform it
Take my will, conform it


That did it...I suddenly had such a heavy sense of disappointment just fall over me I could barely stand up. This weight was *pushing* me down. I could hardly take it and I was at this point crying so hard there was no point in singing. I walked off the platform to the side, walked up to the "kneelers" (as I call them) and kneeled down. But it wasn't enough. I still felt ashamed for not responding appropriately and in a timely manner.

So I inched off on my knees and "knee-walked"to the side of the kneeler and laid down, on my stomach, legs crossed, hands under my forehead and just cried until the tears filled my glasses as they fell straight down from my eyes looking at the floor!

Oddly enough, the book I'm reading came to mind - "The Other Boleyn Girl"- a fictional story of court life under Henry VIII. After reading the things that his subjects has to do in honor of him and all the sins and atrocities done for him and around him as people jockeyed for positions of power, how could I not get on my knees for my Heavenly King when He asked me! *sigh*

I hadn't been paying attention around me but after however much time passed and when I finally stood, nearly the entire congregation was up front either on their knees or standing in prayer or praying with hands on someone else. It was AMAZING!

And, as I sit here typing this out 28 hours later, I can still remember that heaviness but I'm praising the sense of relief and lightness I enjoyed as soon as I obeyed. Wow!

3 comments:

Lisa said...

Hello my friend! God is Holy and Awesome!!

Debbie said...

This is awesome, Beth! What you have described is the type of service that I long to be in, Where the glory of God is revealed and people are brought to their knees in worship and repentance. Just reading this stirred more of a hunger in me. There is nothing to compare to the presence of God in this way.

There was a time that this type of service was not unusual. I had often heard people make the statement "don't ever take this for granted." I, being a young christian at the time, thought it would never end. Sad to say, the frequency of these "moves of the Spirit" have slowed down. I know it is not the fault of God. It is the response of the people, for God changes not and it is His desire to visit us in this way each time we come into a place of worship.

I could "feel" the sweetness of His presence emitting from you as I read this. Wonderful!

shortybear said...

Thank you so very much for sharing your heart with us, how I long for a service like this one. Bless you my friend.