A Well-Needed Reminder

DaHubby and I married in 2001. We were 32. So, after the whirlwind courtship, the 11 months of wedding planning, and then the ceremony, we deemed it appropriate to jump right in with the whole makin' babies thing. (Don't worry - this is a family-friendly blog. That's as far as that chain of thought is gonna go. LOL)

However, as 2001 ended, we were completely obsessed with temperature taking, charting my cycles, and the like but still were baby-less.

Then, 2002 moved through spring, summer, and into fall. Still no luck and then we were mending our broken hearts over our first miscarriage. In the midst of that grief, I rededicated my life to the Lord and was re-baptized for the first time as an adult.

By 2003, I was completely undone again. I felt like God had left me where I was - childless and alone. It was hurting my health, my spirit, my mind, my faith, and (if I had to be honest) probably my marriage. I was depressed, gaining weight - which ironically worsened our chances of conceiving.

I remember crying at the sight of babies. Being unable to attend baby showers. Unable to hold a baby. Feeling like an awful person when I couldn't manage to be happy for yet another friend or acquaintance who was pregnant. I remember being livid at stories of parents mistreating their children. Every month was yet another disappointment. I felt like a failure. My body was betraying what I thought was my God-designed purpose.

I remember a call to prayer around that time at the church we attended. In the middle of praying about something completely unrelated, I fell apart. I recall laying on the floor face down just sobbing. My heart didn't know what to pray anymore so I just cried and repeated over and over and over "Your will be done, Lord, Your will be done."

I had been praying for over 2 years. Twenty-five cycles I spent praying for just one tiny miracle. "Let me, Lord. Please. I won't complain. I'll love him/her. Raise he/she right and to serve You. I've truly realized what a miracle it would be. I would never, ever take it for granted."

Then, the Lord granted my prayer. We found out we were pregnant in July. And, Flicka was born in March 2004. They said "take her home and love her. You'll probably never conceive again."

And, yet, I began to complain. Flicka was a colicky baby. Spent most of her first 8 weeks screaming whenever she was awake. I spent days wondering "what about ME, Lord? I'm tired!" And, even when God blessed me again with my second miracle, despite my whining and complaining, it was hard to feel grateful at the time as I was still nursing a 15 month old. After Pojke was born in 2006, I began to take it for granted.

So, six years later and earlier this week, I found myself undone again. The ongoing stress and strain of the last 2 years of DaHubby's schooling; the stress and strain of him being laid off in February and surviving on $350/week unemployment; and then the stress and strain of 2 very opinionated, also stressed out kids blowing major tantrums, ignoring me, and being generally rude - I just shut down...and cried.

"I can't do this anymore, Lord."

And, He reminded me yesterday..."But, you prayed for this."

And, I cried again. I was so embarrassed and ashamed before the Lord.

"Yes, Lord, I know. I prayed for..."

the temper tantrums
the mess
the hysterical hyena laughing that sets my teeth on edge
the non-stop talking
the unending questions
the interruptions
the pigpen rooms
the fussy eating
the momma body
the chauffeuring

"I prayed for it all. I also prayed for..."

the constant band-aid dependency
the midnight wake-up calls
the sleep deprivation
the stacks of sticky, dirty, stained laundry
the overnight "accidents"
the 2am calls to the pediatrician
the ER runs
the gum in the hair
the ruined clothes from marker fights
the whining

"Yes, Lord. I asked for all this. I even prayed for..."

the preschool attitude
the kindergarten "Diva" 'tude
the stomping of feet
the awkward questions in public
the embarrassments in stores
did I mention the tantrums?
the sibling bickering
the sibling big time baby-wrestling
the plaster ripped from the wall
the broken curtain rod

And, I even prayed for...

the "clingies"
the little person version of nagging ("Mom? Mom? Mommy? Ma? Mumma?" Repeat ad nauseum)
the God-knows-what in someone's ears
the who-know-what in someone's nose
and, the last night runs for Tylenol or Benedryl

Help me, Lord.

Just like I'm thankful for DaHubby because I vividly remember my awful single days, I just needed to be reminded where I was before God provided me with not one but TWO miracles in my life.

What would my life be like without the Vikings? My heart breaks to even think about it.

But, to remain in a state of thankfulness and gratitude, I also need to remember that I can't do this momma-parenting thing all alone.

I need Him.

Help me, Lord.

Psalms 46:1 ...God [is] our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.

March 8th

I'm kinda glad that day came between my birthday last Friday and Flicka's on Monday. With all that's been going on - including Flicka's party on Saturday - it's been easy to "forget" the passing of March 8th.

I am thankful for my life - don't get me wrong. I am very, very, VERY aware of how precious life is. Miscarriages: our two little angels in 2002 and 2008. Cancer: losing my brother-in-law, Pojke's namesake, in 2005 and by a miracle of God's hand still having my sister-in-law here after a brutal battle with a rare leukemia last year. Accidents: losing friends in 1988 and 1996 and nearly losing one my of little sisters in 2007. And, my little Viking miracles themselves.

But, I knew my heart would be breaking a bit on Sunday.

I was due with Böna on Sunday...and given my labor history, I would still be carrying that lil' one right now just about to pop.

And, I have been trying to be at peace as I've watch several bloggy, Twitter, and Facebook friends "enjoying" the challenges of second and third trimesters. But, it's been hard.

I *know* that I'm now 41. I know that I've been considered "advance maternal age" for nearly all my pregnancies. And, I know how entirely exhausted DaHubby and I are from raising the Vikings while DaHubby works while attending school full time. I know that eventually we may be moving extensively due to DaHubby's new upcoming career. I know that with DaHubby's work hours being cut recently that we're often *just barely* making it these last few months. I DO NOT miss those sleepless nights, the soreness from nursing, or the diapers that we are nearly free of except for Pojke's overnights.

I know all that - but I just don't feel "done" yet.

Yet, I can't barely hold an infant at this point. And, I'm afraid of what will happen if I hold one too long. Will I desperately want another? CAN I have another? Will I finally know I'm done and begin to mourn that relatively small part of my life?

After working and praying and scraping and climbing out of situation after situation to just GET pregnant, it is very, very hard to do something permanent on the conception front. I've learned to lean on God in ways I never, ever, EVER anticipated to get pregnant and in being a parent so why couldn't I trust Him with this?

I still have incredibly mixed feelings every month as cycle day 12-16 roll around as well as those edgy, anticipatory days before my monthly guest arrives.

All I know is that He knows what is best. And, that I need to trust Him with everything and all will be fine. So, why am I having such a hard time with this?

I feel like the Vikings when I'm trying to get them out the door to load them up in the van and they insist that they're coming but they have to bring this and this and this with them. It feels like God's trying to edge me forward but I'm insisting on brings this and this and this with me as I walk towards Him. But, I'm so loaded down and my hands are so full that I'm not able to receive what He has for me.

My MOMS Club is having a garage sale in May which will be limited to baby and mom stuff only. So, Lord, I need an answer...do I clear the basement of all the baby stuff in storage even though just typing those words is making my eyes fill with tears? And, Lord, keep our little angels close to you. Whisper to them that we love them and miss them and that we'll see them soon.

*sigh*

"Give me revelation...Show me what to do...
'Cause I've been trying to find my way...I haven't got a clue...
Tell me should I stay here...or do I need to move...
Give me revelation...I've got nothing without You!"

-Third Day, "Revelation"

Vikings' Life Verses

Have heard from friends of different denominations mentioning they have "life verses" from the Bible - generally from a confirmation class experience. I missed that step myself and I am not currently in a denomination that does it either. But, I've always liked the idea. (This has been in correlation to the reading and research I've been doing about speaking a family blessing over the Vikings each day.)

So, I took step one today. After many weeks of praying, considering, and digging through my Bible, I picked out two verses that I would like to be the Vikings' life verses until such time they are able to pick their own that speak more to their hearts' desires.

I made up a little something for each of them in MS PictureIt to post over their bed:

Flicka's verse speaks to the struggles that we endured to conceive her as well as the joy surrounding her arrival. She is our hope and our tree of life in terms of carrying on after we are gone. Also, her IRL name refers to a type of tree so I thought it was appropriate.


Pojke's verse was much harder to find, much more elusive. I felt like Elizabeth all through my pregnancy with him. Every praise and worship practice, every Sunday morning when DaHubby and I sang, every time music played or a preacher got all loud Pentecostal-crazy at our church, Pojke jumped in my womb. Prenatally, he appeared to love music and voices singing and preaching. As his conception was entirely unexpected, a true miracle, and answer to prayer, it is my heart's desire like Hannah for him (if it is God's will) to return to the Lord in a life of service.

This was a really heart-defining, soul-searching experience. As I'm in that season of life where I'm in the day-to-day trenches of caring for these little amazing miracles, it's difficult for me to stop and in silence and contemplation truly consider what God has in store for them. In a typical mommy moment, it's bittersweet to already be considering what they will be doing when they leave the comfort and safety of this home...particularly since I'm still changing Pojke's diapers! LOL

So, the second step is to create a blessing that I or DaHubby will speak over the Vikings each night before bedtime. That is one of my "resolutions" for 2009.

Somebody Prayed Me Through

Infertility stinks. It's like your body is betraying you - losing its "natural" function. Well-meaning people are inadvertently cruel. "Why haven't you had children yet?" What a thing to say to someone who is part of a couple whose nearly every waking moment is about temperature taking; cycle monitoring; invasive procedures; often prohibitively expensive, uncovered medications; in some cases multiple miscarriages; repetitive disappointments witnessed in ANOTHER negative EPT and daily reminders of feeling like a failure. And, it was a tough way to spend my newlywed years...a time normally spent getting to know each other not being tested by fire and stress.

When I met DaHubby, I was 32. I had recently re-committed to going to church. And, I had been trying to find and follow God's will and had been waiting and waiting and waiting for the right guy. Once he came along, I figured all would be blessed - because isn't that always what it was like in God's will, I naively believed at the time. How little I really knew.

Four years later, I was broken. My spirit was beaten up. My hope nearly gone. My faith shaken to the core. We had been married three years. Spent the first year being "not careful" assuming nature would take its course. Spent the next two coping with the realization and repercussions of the fact that something was actually wrong. DaHubby even had his share of invasive and/or embarrassing procedures and moments.

Then, it was early spring 2005 and we had been trying for 22 unsuccessful cycles. I had had an awful miscarriage (are there any other kind) 8 months before. The church we were attending at the time had intercessory prayer on a weeknight and my most vivid memory of it was falling to my knees, weeping, and repeating over and over and over "Your will be done, Your will be done, Your will be done..."

One day we heard on the radio that Allen Asbury was going to make a local appearance. Now, we are in an out-of-the-way part of Michigan. It's nearly an hour to any kind of "civilization" i.e. concert venues, big name stores, etc. To have someone like this locally, playing at our high school auditorium...for FREE...is unheard of!

At that time, his hit "Somebody's Praying Me Through" was all over the radio. And, when he sang it at the concert that night, I fell to pieces. That song, along with "I Will Wait Upon The Lord" just broke me down into a puddle at His feet. It renewed me, gave me hope to hang in there a little longer. I was *sure* that baby was coming. So, I just had to be ready and willing to receive in His timing.

But, the lyrics of "Somebody's Praying Me Through" continued to hold me up through many, many hard nights, more disappointments, more procedures, more medications until finally that summer, I found myself pregnant with Flicka.

On Friday, the Vikings and I were on our way home from our morning running around. And, that song came on the radio. And, like it did the first time, it stripped away all the "stuff" of the week (the whining, the crying, the struggles, the diapers, the injuries, the bickering, etc.) and reminded me what life was like without the Vikings and how desperately I had wanted these little miracles just a short few years ago.

"Baby?"

"Yes, Momma?"

"Did you know this is your song? This is the song that Mom and Dad used to sing over and over and over when we were waiting for God to send you to us."

She was quiet and listened to the rest of the song. She asked me to explain again about the song and seemed to think about it. Then, last night, she asked to hear it again...knowing I had a copy here at the house.

So, I put the CD in. And, we danced. And, when I couldn't stand looking into her sweet little face at arm's length any longer, I picked her up and I held her so tightly as we danced and I sang it to her again. Then, Pojke wanted in on the action. LOL So, I sat on the floor, held my babies tightly, cried, and sang it one more time. Just for them. DaHubby found us in a pile on the kitchen floor. He helped all of us up - and my sweet hubby and I put those sweet blessings to bed.

So when you're drowning in a sea of hurt
And it feels like life couldn't get any worse
There's a blessing waiting to push back the curse
'Cause somebody's praying you through

God's Fingerprints - part five - the finale

You can read parts one, two, three, and four if you are interested.

Since the people with who I interviewed mentioned the other candidates were coming in on Monday as well, I expected to hear from someone maybe by Wednesday. But, Wednesday turned to Thursday which turned to Friday. Friday morning, I couldn't stand it any longer. I called Aerotek.

I got voice mail. *sigh* So, I left a message and went on with my day. It seemed like I had spent the last four weeks waiting for the phone to ring from Aerotek or Whirlpool! LOL

Finally, the phone rang. I was so geeked!

"Beth, they chosen to go with the other candidates."

In my head..."WHAT!?"

I was so confused. Stunned. In shock. Disappointed. This was NOT supposed to be what she was telling me! This is NOT how this was supposed to go!

Luckily, I was able to keep it together and keep my voice even. I told DaHubby later that it was almost like she was waiting for my reaction so she could assess me even further than she possibly could have done from a standard interview. In addition, I almost felt bad for HER. She seemed so miserable just having to be the one to tell me.

The other two candidates had technical experience. So, those two men were better qualified for those two positions.

She went on to ask me if I was interested in a clerical/administrative part-time, short term job for half the money and half the hours. A small pre-saved part of me (just for a second *wink*) wanted to tell her what she could do with THAT job offer but instead I told her thank you and that I'd call DaHubby and see if that was something we'd be interested in doing. Well, could I call her by the end of the day because she was leaving for vacation? *sigh* Yea, sure. I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

I stood there after I hung up the phone. Stunned. What had just happened? Where was God in this? Nothing is more powerful than Him - so He had this happen for a reason? But, what reason?!

What had I done? What had we done? Or NOT done? What are we going to do?!

Oh, Lord! I had to call DaHubby!

And, he didn't take it well.

Then, I called DaGrandma to tell her that while I *really* appreciated her offer to watch the Vikings 'til Labor Day that we wouldn't need her to any more. "Well, that's a dirty, rotten trick" was just one of the things she had to say about it. LOL

My mom and step-dad were surprised as well. My mom went into "momma mode" - told me that I was still brilliant, still perfect, still all those things a momma thinks of her baby. LOL

So, we'll be still in debt...greatly. More cost-cutting, trimming budget fat for us. How depressing.

And, I thought of this yesterday - this hurts more than any other job situation like this in two ways. One - this is the first job in a long time that I have gotten this far and not gotthe job and this was also the time I was the most "real" and myself. *sigh* Probably an unfair but nonetheless obvious "coincidence".

And, second, how could I have read God's signs so wrong? Did I? I thought my level of discernment was gaining maturity. What if I've been wrong about other things too? I kept praisin' what seemed to be God obvious provision. But, now what do I tell people? That I was wrong? Since God's never wrong, it has to be me.

There has to be something better coming...there HAS to be! This is another season of preparation. Several years of infertility taught me (among other things) patience. I must press on. This is NOT the end of the world. In the realm of the things going on in this world, this barely registers notice. But, it was still important to me. And, God knows that as He knows my heart and He knows all things.

So, I wait.

Psalm 25.5: Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You [are] the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day.

God's Fingerprints - part two

So, I stayed home...and stayed home...and stayed home...and didn't get pregnant. I started thinking that maybe I hadn't heard God right! LOL But, our infertility struggles were a crash course in faith, patience, and waiting on the Lord's timing and taught me more about God in those 25 cycles than I could have learned any other way. God's fingerprints were all over it. But that's another story.

Then, on that 26th cycle...a miracle. And, Flicka joined our family the following year. Then, after being told there would be no way for us to conceive without intervention and while I was still nursing Flicka...another miracle. Then, Pojke joined our family the next year.

So, I've been home since May 2001. Things have been difficult at times - particularly financially. But, I've carried on, cut corners, and cut coupons because I knew that I knew that I knew that the Lord was happy with this situation. Needs were always met. His fingerprints were all over it.

But, then things got *really* tight after Pojke was born. We were down to one vehicle. We had moved into a bigger home since we had been living in a one-bedroom "bachelor bungalow" where Flicka's nursery was 6ft by 10 ft as the former enclosed back porch which DaHubby gutted, studded, wired, and drywalled for his baby girl. We worried about the kids' safety stuffed in the back of that small car...especially when Pojke outgrew his "infant" car seat at about 4 months! So, a mini-van followed. Eventually, the bank started calling about "problems" with our account...

So, we prayed for God's will to be revealed in the situation. Should DaHubby take a second job? Should I go back to work? Where can we cut MORE corners? We turned off the cable. We stopped eating out...at all...no eating with the rest of DaHubby's family after church each Sunday...no snacks when traveling...or any occasional trips to McDonald's. We grew a garden. We started doing Angel Food. I started learning how to sew and do canning. We considered home businesses - either for me or for DaHubby. And, we kept praying..."God, please provide for us and this situation. It's within Your power to guide us to becoming debt-free. Show us the way." And, while I said nothing to DaHubby, I *really* did not want to go back to work unless I absolutely had to. We were searching for God's fingerprints again...

To be continued...

Ordinary Beginnings, Extraordinary Year

He is God's second miracle to me...my daughter was my first. And, despite our history with infertility and the events of the pregnancy with #1, this was a nice, "boring" pregnancy. Luckily, very little morning sickness. No first tri spotting this time. No pregnancy-related health problems. No worrying test results. Correct rates of growth and weight gain. Our OB said he wished he had more patients like us! LOL

Even the delivery was relatively uneventful - as much as being in labor and delivery a baby can be! LOL Two days before my due date, a water-breaking inducement and he arrived five hours later!

But, our world has been entirely changed by our little miracle man! He's been even "easier" than his sister was (they've both been kind to me parenting-wise)! LOL And, today he is 365 days old! Happy birthday to the "other" man in my life...thank God for His wisdom, thanks to Da Hubby for his support and faith, and thanks to my little man for his flattering choice to make me his mom!

2006 08 08 "...and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day"

It's actually a icky couple of days.

Friday: found out my little sister miscarried her baby
Yesterday: I had my furbaby put to sleep
Today: the four yr anniversary of when we lost our angel to a miscarriage

On top of this, the stress of running around all weekend, dragging the kids here and there without naps for a family reunion Friday night and all day Saturday. And, it being "that time"...just having an emotional, hormonal couple of days. *sniff, sniff*

But a small thought that made me smile...if Jesus experienced all things we struggle with as humans (men and women alike), I wonder what he thought of PMS? LOL

2006 08 04 One more prayer request...

Got a call yesterday from my step-mom. In June, my 18-year-old half-sister, after a very hard and difficult 4 years, found herself pregnant. Well, when she went in for her first ultrasound this week, they found the baby was not viable and had not been for over a month. It's unclear why her body didn't "tell" her sooner.

Four years ago next week, we lost our little angel. I had my husband, my family, my in-laws, and my church family rallied to my side and into our home in the weeks following. I barely coped. She is half the age I was and she only has her much-older live-in boyfriend, my dysfunctional dad and step-mom, and my other half-sister.

I have experienced few things sadder than a miscarriage. It changed my outlook on my life, my attitudes, my faith, and my marriage forever. How do non-Christians deal with all of this without a faith in God? I'm stumped. I asked a women I once worked with after she claimed to be an atheist "then why get up in the morning?" What is there to live for if not a eternal hope in Jesus and God's work for you on this earth? How can anyone open their eyes each morning, look around, and NOT see God's amazing goodness? *sigh*

So, here I am trying to think of the right thing to say before calling her...knowing that there's really nothing I can say. Could you all please pray for the situation...

2006 04 03 Praise You In This Storm

Luke 8.25 But He said to them, "Where is your faith?" And they were afraid, and marveled, saying to one another, "Who can this be? For He commands even the winds and water, and they obey Him!"

A sister in Christ at my local church lost her baby this weekend at about 20 weeks pregnant when she delivered it in the car on the way to hospital. This has struck me as one of the most horrifically sad things that could happen to a woman and has been haunting my thoughts and dreams.

This woman, like me, struggled with infertility and wanted more children. But, infertility can be cruel. And, it has often tested my faith more than anything that’s happened to me so far in my life. I remember asking for a copy of the little empty ultrasound that confirmed we had lost our angel. That empty little spot was just a grain of the emptiness I felt at the lost of my first pregnancy.

And, those struggles happened so early in my marriage that it really transformed the relationship into something I hadn’t anticipated and that I’m still getting used to. Our intimate life was transformed by it. And, some of our best, most touching moments so far as well as some of our worst came out of trying to get pregnant.

Due to my recent busyness with my little Vikings, I haven’t been singing on the praise and worship team, as has been my habit the last three years. It’s too much to juggle trying to get a two-year-old to go to the toddler room or to grandma plus get the 3 month old to stop crying and/or not be hungry all at the same time. I miss praising and honoring God this way. So, I was contemplating doing a “special” of a song I wanted to share with my church family about how I was feeling lately. The song was “Praise You In The Storm” by Casting Crowns. The first verse and chorus:

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears awayS
tepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy fallsI raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away

Chorus:
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

As I look again at these lyrics with my church sister in mind, my storm has been a tempest in a teacup compared to hers. My struggles with being a new mom again and balancing the two kids- miracles instead of something to be whined about. When did I become so ungrateful? Oh Lord, I’m so sorry.

But, whether it is her struggle or mine, the Lord is still our Keeper, our Help, our Shade, our own personal Storm Chaser. Thank you, Lord, for putting it in perspective. Show me ways to be Your hand in her situation and bring her comfort. You are in control of the wind and waves around us.

The song above ends with a reference to Psalms 121:

“I will lift up my eyes to the hills -- From whence comes my help? My help [comes] from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel Shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD [is] your keeper; The LORD [is] your shade at your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, Nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve you from all evil; He shall preserve your soul. The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in From this time forth, and even forevermore.”

Praise God.

2006 03 29 Getting Underway

Where to begin? I feel like I have so much to say, sort through, deal with, etc. that I don't know where to begin.

First, an explanation, I guess. As a "retired" English teacher and now a stay-at-home mom, up to this point writing has always been a very important part of my life. Just not lately! And, those two little adorable Vikings are completely to blame! LOL It took two years to get pregnant. Then I went and had two kids in under two years! LOLTime to write has been harder to come by with a 3 month old infant and 24 month old toddler around...Speaking of which - the littlest one is calling me now from the crib. Be back soon! Can't wait!